My best friend once told me that it took her and her husband about 7 years to have that all out sit down and tell each other what bugs them about the other talk. Speck and I are getting close to that 7 year mark of being married. Feb 26th is the big day. Well, we had a miscommunication that lead to an argument that led to a lengthy purging of the soul, followed by a conversation about it all. Yep, I'd say it is about 7 years. I don't think that we discussed everything, but we came pretty close. It felt good to get it all out in the open and discuss it. These are things that have been at least on my mind for a few years now, and I just never knew how to talk to him about it.
He's my husband, my soul mate, the person I am most intimate with on all levels, and I couldn't tell him these things because I didn't know how. That seems really weird. We had sort of a whirl wind romance in the first few months especially. We got to know each other really quickly, so somethings I have learned over the years. I guess if we had been one of those couples that dated for 5,7,or 10 years before we got married, it may have been different. But personally, I think those couples are a little pathetic. Now don't get me wrong, being together is a great thing, but if you know that you are with the one who God wants you to be with for the rest of your life, shouldn't you want it to start as soon a possible? I knew on our first date, and of course it scared me to death. Speck, it took him a little longer to figure it out. (Men, go figure) What I'm getting at is that when you know it, you usually want it to start as soon as possible. Why wait around all those years dating. (That was totally my opinion, and if I have offended anyone I am sorry. We are after all entitled to our own opinion and it is my blog...)
My point of that last paragraph was to say that even though God's timing was right on track, sometimes that causes what we see as difficulties later down the road. I love my husband, he is the best friend, husband, father, and provider I could ever ask for and we are so compatible it isn't even funny, but all those good things also come along with loads of frustrations and insecurities. My insecurities come from my life before I met my "Hunny". My mom wasn't even close to the stellar role model she should be, but I did have a grandmother and great aunt that were good examples. Still sometimes I fall back into that fear that I saw with mom. Her self worth was tied to having a man. I'm not that bad, but sometimes I do not say things because I don't want to start an argument because I don't want to go through that emotional turmoil. I just push it down and try hard to ignore it.
I know that Speck wouldn't leave over and argument. When have had some really bad ones, that I really though he was going to not come home at the end of the day, but he did. We both have done things that weren't right and have finally owned up to them. We usually end up talking about it and it ends up not as bad as it had seemed, but at the time it was really important and hurtful to each other.
I have said all of that to say this. Relationships are hard. They take work, They are like another kid that you have as a couple. You have to feed it, nurture it and let it grow. Sometimes it throws a temper tantrum and it comes back crying, and sorry. You both have to work on making it grow up, because raising kids is a joint effort, so is a relationship. I have spent a lot of time praying over mine. That really helps too. Hopefully God will make it easier for me to say things to my husband, and not let me get in the way of a good relationship.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
My babysitters...
My babysitters are pretty awesome! My best friend got married in her mid 20's and in fairly quick succession had 4 kids. She is a stay at home mom who home schools them.(Props to her. I could never stay at home with my kids or home school them.) When I got married in my early 30's her kids were 11, 9, 7, & 5. So when G-man came along 2 years later, the oldest was 13.
Kelli has been watching G-man since he was 6 months. When she started, she knew to call me or her mom if she didn't know something, and was cheep! She loves them both, but G-man is her favorite. She's his too. He always gets a special look when we tell him Miss Kelli is babysitting today. Kelli plays with them, reads to them, teaches them, (sometimes things she shouldn't-Lady Gaga songs), and most importantly loves them, almost as much as I do. She is a senior now and she has decided to go into early childhood education because as she says, she likes it and is good at it.
Brian was the next to learn to babysit. I think in the beginning it was to make some money, but over time he has turned into a great babysitter. He is a quiet soul. He is very good in disciplining them, he plays the Wii with them and teaches them about God. Even though he will deny it, we all know that A-bear is his favorite. It is obvious. He's her favorite too. They are wrapped around each other's little finger. He loves them almost as much as I do.
Becky is the last one to start babysitting. She plays with them and takes them outside the most I think. She likes to be outside and the kids love that. She will read to them and gets them special treats from time to time. They both love her. A-bear loves it when "bec-bee" comes to babysit. She loves them almost as much as I do. She is still learning, but she is going to be a great mom and it is apparent in how she takes care of the kids.
Even my back up babysitters are pretty cool too. They love to hang out and play with the kids and the change of pace is great for G-man and A-bear.
Every morning G-man comes into our bedroom and asks "Who is going to babysit us today?" I think he gets disappointed if I tell him "Mommy is home with you today" or "Daddy is home with you today".
I think I have the best babysitters in the world. There aren't any other people that could love my children the way Kelli, Brian and Becky do, and the kids get to stay in their own home and didn't have to go to daycare. God worked it all out.
He's pretty amazing too!
Kelli has been watching G-man since he was 6 months. When she started, she knew to call me or her mom if she didn't know something, and was cheep! She loves them both, but G-man is her favorite. She's his too. He always gets a special look when we tell him Miss Kelli is babysitting today. Kelli plays with them, reads to them, teaches them, (sometimes things she shouldn't-Lady Gaga songs), and most importantly loves them, almost as much as I do. She is a senior now and she has decided to go into early childhood education because as she says, she likes it and is good at it.
Brian was the next to learn to babysit. I think in the beginning it was to make some money, but over time he has turned into a great babysitter. He is a quiet soul. He is very good in disciplining them, he plays the Wii with them and teaches them about God. Even though he will deny it, we all know that A-bear is his favorite. It is obvious. He's her favorite too. They are wrapped around each other's little finger. He loves them almost as much as I do.
Becky is the last one to start babysitting. She plays with them and takes them outside the most I think. She likes to be outside and the kids love that. She will read to them and gets them special treats from time to time. They both love her. A-bear loves it when "bec-bee" comes to babysit. She loves them almost as much as I do. She is still learning, but she is going to be a great mom and it is apparent in how she takes care of the kids.
Even my back up babysitters are pretty cool too. They love to hang out and play with the kids and the change of pace is great for G-man and A-bear.
Every morning G-man comes into our bedroom and asks "Who is going to babysit us today?" I think he gets disappointed if I tell him "Mommy is home with you today" or "Daddy is home with you today".
I think I have the best babysitters in the world. There aren't any other people that could love my children the way Kelli, Brian and Becky do, and the kids get to stay in their own home and didn't have to go to daycare. God worked it all out.
He's pretty amazing too!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Who Am I?
As some of you know, I recently found out that the person I thought was my father, is not. I know the name of the person who is my real father and I have found out where he lives and have a phone number. I have had this for several months and have done nothing with it. I don't know why.
My daughter looks like a picture of me at her age. You could hold a picture of me at about 18-20 months beside her at that age and you would have to look really close to see that it was not a picture of her. I sometimes sit and look at her and wonder who she looks like. I know she looks like me, but who do I look like?
Being a nurse, I would like to know the medical history of His family. If my medical problems didn't come from Mom's side of the family and they obviously didn't come from the guy who I thought was my dad, did they come from His side? Are they just a fluke? What will this mean for my kids down the road?
I know I love my mom, but she was selfish. Sometimes I am too much like her in that respect, so I can understand the fact that she didn't WANT to tell me. I think she was doing what would cause her the least amount of trouble at the time. Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing. Who knows. I still wonder though why when I was 24 and started having seizures, she didn't tell me. Why when I was 30 and seeking out "dad's" family, didn't she tell me. Mom died 8 years ago. I had just had 2 dates with Darren at that time, so getting married and having kids with him hadn't crossed her mind, so she didn't tell me before she died. I think being selfish as she was, she would have taken that secret to the grave anyway. I had no beautiful, rosy illusions about my mom. I knew how she was. I knew what her life was. It would not have changed my opinion of her at all.
Now I think about asking my Grandma about it. I found out that she and my Granddad and my Uncle knew about it as well. Grandma's dementia sometimes makes her forget things that have happened, then sometimes her mind is clear. Who knows what her mind will be on the day I decide to ask her. I think about Grandma being a nurse too and when Speck and I were trying to have a baby, when we went to a genetic councilor, why didn't she tell us the truth then. Mom was gone, there was no one to protect then. It is IRRESPONSIBLE of her not to have told me. Why does she want to take this secret to her grave too? My uncle has a disease that is causing his memory to slowly disappear too. Does he not remember?
I wonder if I will ever find anyone besides the person who told me who knows the truth, and can explain it to me? The person who told me just knew the facts, they could not explain the thoughts behind it.
I wonder if this will cause problems for my family in the future. Sometimes I would like to call Him and just get to know him for medical reasons. I don't want to be a part of his life, I don't want to bother his family. I just want to understand why this was kept from me till I was almost 40.
I think about it when I drive from family to family doing my job, I think about it when I stare into my daughter's eyes while I am rocking her and singing to her before bed, when I see my son sneeze 3 times--He got that from me, where did I get that from?
Granted my "dad" was always somewhat a mystery to me, but at least I had seen him, I had a face to put with the title. I found his family, I went to visit them, I took Speck to meet them before we were married. I had a "father's side" of the family. Sure he wasn't around, he blew in and blew out every 6-7 years, but it was tangible. Now there is nothing, a big dark room of shadows that are my real family. My blood kin. I did see him one time when I was about 3. I remember Mom and I going to His mom's house and there were all these people there (his brothers and sisters) and their kids. Am I relegated to having the hazy memories of a 3 year old for a whole side of my genealogy?
I have prayed about this quite a bit. I don't know what to do. I have the information, why don't I call. I know that my family knows, but do they remember? Why don't I just ask them to find out. Why do I worry about their feelings more than mine. After all, no one seemed to be taking any of my feelings into account for the nearly 40 years they have known. They don't seem to care if I know the truth or not. I still don't have any peace in my heart about this, about calling Him, about asking my family. What am I supposed to tell my children about my father when they ask? How am I going to explain that my family kept a secret from me for my whole life and didn't feel it necessary to tell me?
LORD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?
My daughter looks like a picture of me at her age. You could hold a picture of me at about 18-20 months beside her at that age and you would have to look really close to see that it was not a picture of her. I sometimes sit and look at her and wonder who she looks like. I know she looks like me, but who do I look like?
Being a nurse, I would like to know the medical history of His family. If my medical problems didn't come from Mom's side of the family and they obviously didn't come from the guy who I thought was my dad, did they come from His side? Are they just a fluke? What will this mean for my kids down the road?
I know I love my mom, but she was selfish. Sometimes I am too much like her in that respect, so I can understand the fact that she didn't WANT to tell me. I think she was doing what would cause her the least amount of trouble at the time. Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing. Who knows. I still wonder though why when I was 24 and started having seizures, she didn't tell me. Why when I was 30 and seeking out "dad's" family, didn't she tell me. Mom died 8 years ago. I had just had 2 dates with Darren at that time, so getting married and having kids with him hadn't crossed her mind, so she didn't tell me before she died. I think being selfish as she was, she would have taken that secret to the grave anyway. I had no beautiful, rosy illusions about my mom. I knew how she was. I knew what her life was. It would not have changed my opinion of her at all.
Now I think about asking my Grandma about it. I found out that she and my Granddad and my Uncle knew about it as well. Grandma's dementia sometimes makes her forget things that have happened, then sometimes her mind is clear. Who knows what her mind will be on the day I decide to ask her. I think about Grandma being a nurse too and when Speck and I were trying to have a baby, when we went to a genetic councilor, why didn't she tell us the truth then. Mom was gone, there was no one to protect then. It is IRRESPONSIBLE of her not to have told me. Why does she want to take this secret to her grave too? My uncle has a disease that is causing his memory to slowly disappear too. Does he not remember?
I wonder if I will ever find anyone besides the person who told me who knows the truth, and can explain it to me? The person who told me just knew the facts, they could not explain the thoughts behind it.
I wonder if this will cause problems for my family in the future. Sometimes I would like to call Him and just get to know him for medical reasons. I don't want to be a part of his life, I don't want to bother his family. I just want to understand why this was kept from me till I was almost 40.
I think about it when I drive from family to family doing my job, I think about it when I stare into my daughter's eyes while I am rocking her and singing to her before bed, when I see my son sneeze 3 times--He got that from me, where did I get that from?
Granted my "dad" was always somewhat a mystery to me, but at least I had seen him, I had a face to put with the title. I found his family, I went to visit them, I took Speck to meet them before we were married. I had a "father's side" of the family. Sure he wasn't around, he blew in and blew out every 6-7 years, but it was tangible. Now there is nothing, a big dark room of shadows that are my real family. My blood kin. I did see him one time when I was about 3. I remember Mom and I going to His mom's house and there were all these people there (his brothers and sisters) and their kids. Am I relegated to having the hazy memories of a 3 year old for a whole side of my genealogy?
I have prayed about this quite a bit. I don't know what to do. I have the information, why don't I call. I know that my family knows, but do they remember? Why don't I just ask them to find out. Why do I worry about their feelings more than mine. After all, no one seemed to be taking any of my feelings into account for the nearly 40 years they have known. They don't seem to care if I know the truth or not. I still don't have any peace in my heart about this, about calling Him, about asking my family. What am I supposed to tell my children about my father when they ask? How am I going to explain that my family kept a secret from me for my whole life and didn't feel it necessary to tell me?
LORD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?
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