As some of you know, I recently found out that the person I thought was my father, is not. I know the name of the person who is my real father and I have found out where he lives and have a phone number. I have had this for several months and have done nothing with it. I don't know why.
My daughter looks like a picture of me at her age. You could hold a picture of me at about 18-20 months beside her at that age and you would have to look really close to see that it was not a picture of her. I sometimes sit and look at her and wonder who she looks like. I know she looks like me, but who do I look like?
Being a nurse, I would like to know the medical history of His family. If my medical problems didn't come from Mom's side of the family and they obviously didn't come from the guy who I thought was my dad, did they come from His side? Are they just a fluke? What will this mean for my kids down the road?
I know I love my mom, but she was selfish. Sometimes I am too much like her in that respect, so I can understand the fact that she didn't WANT to tell me. I think she was doing what would cause her the least amount of trouble at the time. Maybe she thought she was doing the right thing. Who knows. I still wonder though why when I was 24 and started having seizures, she didn't tell me. Why when I was 30 and seeking out "dad's" family, didn't she tell me. Mom died 8 years ago. I had just had 2 dates with Darren at that time, so getting married and having kids with him hadn't crossed her mind, so she didn't tell me before she died. I think being selfish as she was, she would have taken that secret to the grave anyway. I had no beautiful, rosy illusions about my mom. I knew how she was. I knew what her life was. It would not have changed my opinion of her at all.
Now I think about asking my Grandma about it. I found out that she and my Granddad and my Uncle knew about it as well. Grandma's dementia sometimes makes her forget things that have happened, then sometimes her mind is clear. Who knows what her mind will be on the day I decide to ask her. I think about Grandma being a nurse too and when Speck and I were trying to have a baby, when we went to a genetic councilor, why didn't she tell us the truth then. Mom was gone, there was no one to protect then. It is IRRESPONSIBLE of her not to have told me. Why does she want to take this secret to her grave too? My uncle has a disease that is causing his memory to slowly disappear too. Does he not remember?
I wonder if I will ever find anyone besides the person who told me who knows the truth, and can explain it to me? The person who told me just knew the facts, they could not explain the thoughts behind it.
I wonder if this will cause problems for my family in the future. Sometimes I would like to call Him and just get to know him for medical reasons. I don't want to be a part of his life, I don't want to bother his family. I just want to understand why this was kept from me till I was almost 40.
I think about it when I drive from family to family doing my job, I think about it when I stare into my daughter's eyes while I am rocking her and singing to her before bed, when I see my son sneeze 3 times--He got that from me, where did I get that from?
Granted my "dad" was always somewhat a mystery to me, but at least I had seen him, I had a face to put with the title. I found his family, I went to visit them, I took Speck to meet them before we were married. I had a "father's side" of the family. Sure he wasn't around, he blew in and blew out every 6-7 years, but it was tangible. Now there is nothing, a big dark room of shadows that are my real family. My blood kin. I did see him one time when I was about 3. I remember Mom and I going to His mom's house and there were all these people there (his brothers and sisters) and their kids. Am I relegated to having the hazy memories of a 3 year old for a whole side of my genealogy?
I have prayed about this quite a bit. I don't know what to do. I have the information, why don't I call. I know that my family knows, but do they remember? Why don't I just ask them to find out. Why do I worry about their feelings more than mine. After all, no one seemed to be taking any of my feelings into account for the nearly 40 years they have known. They don't seem to care if I know the truth or not. I still don't have any peace in my heart about this, about calling Him, about asking my family. What am I supposed to tell my children about my father when they ask? How am I going to explain that my family kept a secret from me for my whole life and didn't feel it necessary to tell me?
LORD, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?
Louise,
ReplyDeleteWow!!! You are going through the same thing that I did. I however rather than waiting on it, started looking. I didn't have any information other than the fact that I was adopted. When I moved to Germany my middle child had some problems at birth and it renewed my desire to find my birth family. I did find three of my brothers, *two full blood, one half* one of which I am in close contact with. I can not find my birth parents, but received a wealth of information from my siblings. Just be careful if you do pursue it because you could lose the one thing in life that you have had for years and that is the family you have known. The resentment they may have if you find your father is enough to break any ties. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably go ahead and talk directly to him. Get the facts from him, and remember it may be one sided. Put them in your memory bank and together ya'll make the decision to continue communication or move on with both of ya'll lives. Prayer is definitely the key.